Augustine writes in Book Four of his Confessions that he has, as a result of an unnamed boyhood friend’s death, become a great question or puzzle to himself (factus eram ipse mihi magna quaestio est, Confessiones iv.4.9). In writing this at the end of the fourth century, in his mid-forties, he is looking back three decades or so, recalling his pre-baptismal adolescent self. He repeats the same point (or almost the same) in Book Ten, lamenting that in the Lord’s eyes he remains a puzzle-question to himself, and that this fact constitutes his languor, his heavy sickness (Confessiones x.33.50). At that point he is writing about his own condition as a bishop, more than a decade after his baptism. It is a constant and deep theme in Augustine’s work, early and late, pre- and post-baptism, that we are opaque to ourselves, internally conflicted, unreliable guides to our own condition and motivation, very much not transparent to introspection. We therefore should not, here below, place much trust in our own self-understanding; we can and should confess this lack, and that is what he spends much of the Confessions doing, in eloquent and excitable Latin prose of an intensity that makes it almost poetic.
Poets and novelists are better at depicting what it is like to be a puzzle to oneself than philosophers and theologians. A recent example is to hand in J. M. Coetzee’s Summertime, published in the UK a few months ago and about to appear in the US. Coetzee is among the most important living writers of fiction in English — and indeed of English prose. He has won the Booker Prize twice, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2003. He is, so far as I can tell, not a Christian; but he is essential reading for Christians, or at least for those with Augustinian sensibilities. If you think that you are largely transparent to your own gaze, then Coetzee is not for you. But then neither is Augustine. Augustine would, if I can be permitted the thought-experiment, very much have liked Coetzee’s work, and especially his autobiographical work.
Summertime is the third volume of Coetzee’s quasi-autobiography. The first, Boyhood, appeared in 1997; and the second, Youth, in 2002. Summertime depicts Coetzee in roughly the decade of his thirties, which means, approximately, the 1970s: he was born in 1940, in South Africa. The Coetzee depicted — as often offstage as on — in these three volumes, and especially in Summertime, bears a complex relation to the real man, a truly Augustinian relation. The conceit of Summertime is that Coetzee is dead (so far as I know at the date of writing, he lives), and that someone (unnamed) is preparing a biography of him. To this end, the biographer interviews people who had known Coetzee, and much of the book consists of the record of these interviews. There are also brief entries from Coetzee’s own journals of the period; the reader is given no clue as to whether these entries really are what they are presented as; and no clue, likewise, as to whether those interviewed — former lovers, colleagues, relatives — are real people or fictions. The picture of a long-haired and bearded man in his thirties on the jacket flap likewise may or may not be Coetzee in his thirties.
Those things don’t matter. What matters (as well as the prose, which is sharp enough to separate bones from marrow) is how these distancing and framing techniques yield an Augustinian past. They yield it as a series of interlocking puzzles, of overlapping and partly contradictory tableaux: Coetzee and his cousin in a brokendown pickup in the Karoo; Coetzee writing spurned love-letters to an exiled Brazilian ballerina; Coetzee going to a rugby match with his prematurely old father; Coetzee having an affair with a married South African woman and trying to persuade her to make love to the rhythms of a piece of music by Schubert. Taken together these provide a composite and blurry picture of a man seen through the eyes of others. He is not seen by those who recall him as a very nice man: not compassionate, especially; not a very good lover; self-absorbed but at the same time insufficiently involved in his own life; acting, stiffly (he can’t dance, the Brazilian ballerina observes), according to a series of carefully-scripted scenarios. This kind of autobiography is nonlinear, internally complex, and suffused with unreliability — Coetzee-the-author takes trouble to point out the unreliability both of those being interviewed and of the interviewer rendering what they tell him.
The life (Coetzee’s?) in the autobiography by J. M. Coetzee is opaque, not susceptible to a narrative line, incapable of yielding a clear picture, available only to readers prepared to acknowledge that their lives are, formally speaking, like that too: unavailable to themselves. Augustine’s depiction of his past is in every significant respect like this. That is why it is the greatest hagiography the Christian tradition has yet yielded. The Lord, of course, has your life in mind in all its particulars; but you are not him, and your task, like Augustine’s, like Coetzee’s, is not narratively to unify your past and thereby to gaze at a phantasm; neither is it to introspect in search of your glassy essence, pristine and unscratched and thereby to look at an idol; it is rather to lament the half-understood imperfection and disorder of the fragments of the life that is yours, and in so doing to offer it to the only one who can give it unity and translucence. Augustine did this. Coetzee shows what it is to understand a life in this way without yet offering it. Christians should thank him for that.